Can I Just Rest in Peace?

I haven't answered my phone, email, texts in weeks now. I've been a sick, sick human being and the reason why I'm able to even write this is because of some serious pain killers. Don't freak out after reading this, this has been my train of thought for weeks now - it's going to be highly angry, paranoid, and somewhat pessimistic due to always being blinded by pain.

About three weeks ago, when the Mucositis (which feels like a joke now) started resolving, something just randomly went wrong with with my liver and kidneys, leading them to fail for a short period of time. This created about 20 lbs. of extra fluid and waste to accumulate in my body. The doctors came in and threw around terms like CMV virus and Vino Occlusive Disease (VOD) and at the time I didn't realize just how serious these complications were going to be. My concern in those days was to see my cells start growing, which thankfully they did as they definitely helped in resolving the CMV virus attack on my body. They gave me a lot of medicine to try to get rid of extra fluid in the body, but for some reason there's about 7-10 lbs. worth of swelling in my abdomen that makes it look like I'm carrying triplets right now. It makes me feel like I've eaten 50 times as much as I normally eat and consuming even drops of water is an impossible task. I haven't eaten in 5 weeks now, I don't know how it's possible for a human being to survive without solid food for so long. Whatever liquids I do manage to put into my stomach, come straight out as diarrhea. Having that much extra fluid weight around the belly makes it feel like there's a stress band tied right below my chest, all the way around that's going to explode even when I'm simply just breathing. Forget about trying to find a way to sleep. No matter which side you sleep on, it's so uncomfortable to bear the weight of my own belly that basically what I have to do is lay on my back and keep my legs bent. All of this is creating intense pressure for my back, leading to rely on painkillers to be able to sleep. During the day, I have to walk around to stay mobile and use the restroom etc., but it's absolutely draining to even these things.

This condition alone has messed up my vitals in all sorts of ways. It makes it harder to breathe as everything is pushing up into my chest. My blood pressure and heart rate are out of the roof most of the time. I always gets fevers too, but there's a whole another set of issues that brings with it.

What are the doctors saying? Nothing. They don't know how to fix this. They've seen it before, and yeah it gets better for some people over time. Will it get better for me? We don't know. That's what I meant before I started this by saying once I go in, I have no idea if I'll even come out of this in one piece...it's usually not the transplant itself that kills people, but serious complications like the ones described above that eventually just do not resolve. I don't know how long I'm gonna be in the hospital. I don't know how long I'm gonna be sane. I've started throwing things across the room, because I have multiple panic attacks every day and I know there's literally nothing I can do to control what's happening in my body. I see other patients reaching day 60 and walking out of here and I think to myself how lucky those people are...I compared myself to a homeless person today and wondered who had a more comfortable life at this point. At least the homeless person can still enjoy and taste food and walk around. I would give anything in this world right now to be able to sit down and just drink a cold glass of water and not worry about how the pain from doing that will almost try to kill me within the next hour. Or how my skin is so dry to the bone that no matter what kind of lotion I put on it, I scratch it all night and being low on blood just makes me bleed underneath the skin by doing that .

Everyone I talk to tells me, "you came out of worse before, you're so strong, just hang in there." You know what, what happened last time was basically a miracle. Am I gonna have two miracles in one lifetime? And I am not strong, I am desperate at this point. I just want to know if all of this is worth it or not. I'm not sure how much longer it is for. Things have only been getting worse recently and I'm losing my mind. I've never been in a darker place than this before psychologically. Yesterday, during a particularly intense panic attack, where I felt like I would never get out of here and I would never be able to get rid of these pains, I even yelled and told my Mom that I didn't want to do this anymore.

Why is it so much harder to handle the pain now? Because I don't know when it's going to end and whatever end there is is only coming by slowly.

I try to think happy thoughts sometimes, but even a dream about a day when I can go home and just be able to sleep in my own bed until the daylight comes in and feel a desire to wake up seems like the phoniest thought to me. It's just too fake and far.